My Romance Testimony

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Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 1 Corinthians 7:3-4

I'll be honest right up front. This page is about not dating. It's about why I choose not to date yet and why I think I've made the right choice. But it's not a page about how horribly wrong you are if you *do* date or have dated in the past. I'm not going to try to change your mind, because I believe this is an area of personal conviction that I don't have the right to try to interfere with. I do hope that by showing you what I believe and how I came to believe this, I can help you understand what God wants in your dating life, whether He's calling you to make the choice I have and abstain from dating altogether, or to modify the way you're dating now, or even to make no changes at all. I also hope that, even if you don't agree with me and think I'm totally off-base or wrong, you'll still have a better understanding of me and my beliefs by reading this. This is a brief and not very in-depth version of my beliefs, but I wanted to keep it short for various reasons. If you'd like to know more you're more than welcome to e-mail me and ask me about it.

I've never been on a date. Not once. I've never had a boyfriend. I've never kissed a guy. What's more, I actually *tell* people this! Think I'm nuts? So do many other people. Several unkind people have commented on the fact that my dating status is probably due to the fact that I'm overweight and not at all attractive. Less cruel people point out as nicely as possible that I don't flirt with boys and that I'm usually shy around them. Misguided people have informed me that I'll never have a boyfriend, let alone a husband, if I don't play mind games with them, follow "The Rules," or go back to my home planet of Venus and look at all men as Martians. They just don't understand how anyone could choose not to date when the Bible doesn't specifically say "Thou shalt not go out on dates with guys or take unto thyself a boyfriend." Well, maybe the Bible doesn't specifically say that, but it does say many things that I believe apply to dating as much as to marriage. The verse at the top of the page, for instance. This is one of the main verses that shaped my opinions on dating.

"For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you." Jeremiah 29:11 (New American Standard Bible)

The Lord has great plans for us, each and every one of us. He didn't say, "I will know the plans I have for you at some specific time in the future." He knew when the Bible was written thousands of years ago what plans He had in store for each of His children. Who you are married to is a very important part of your life, and I just can't believe that a God who makes wonderful plans for His children thousands of years before they're even born would overlook this important detail. (If you do believe this, I can't say that you're wrong, because the Bible doesn't tell us specifically which parts of our lives He has these great plans for, and nowhere does it say He's chosen a mate for us or that He hasn't.) So my personal belief is that my future husband has already been chosen for me. And far from making me feel powerless, as though I don't have any control over my life, that's an exciting prospect for me! If I added up all of the people I know I'd probably come up with a few hundred at the most. But God knows about 6 billion people who are alive right now, and He knows them much better than I know some of the people I'm acquainted with. And out of those billions of people He knows exactly which man would be the right one for me! ("...plans to prosper you and not to harm you." He wants what's best for me and what I'll be happiest with, so He's not going to pair me up with a man who isn't perfect for me. I know there's no such thing as a perfect person, but I think there is a perfect match out there for each of us, someone whose good qualities and faults complement or balance ours and who will ultimately make us happier than any other person in the world could.)

Okay, so Mr. Right really is out there somewhere. How am I going to find him if I don't go out looking for him? I believe God will bring him to me, or tell me when He's ready for me to start dating. But until He does tell me that, I'm trusting Him to fulfill all my needs, and to tell me when the right time is for me to start dating, courting, or otherwise entering into a relationship with someone. I also trust Him to tell me when I've met the right man. And to protect me until I do. To me, it seems like not I'm not trusting Him if I go out dating and looking for a husband when His clear answer to my questions about my future mate is simply, "Wait." (Again, this is an area of personal conviction, and I'm not saying you're not trusting God or that you're a bad Christian if you are dating or if you did in the past or plan to in the future. But I do encourage you to pray about your romantic life and turn it over to God if you haven't already.)

One reason that I choose not to date right now is because I don't want to be tempted to enter into a physical relationship with someone. If you look at the verse at the top of the page, it says that my body doesn't belong to me, it belongs to my husband, and likewise, his belongs to me. Even though I'm not married, I still believe that, since my future husband has already been chosen for me, that our bodies already belong to each other. (I hadn't really thought about it that way, until now) but I guess technically if I believe that, then kissing someone other than him would be cheating on him. And the Bible is very specific: adultery is a sin. On a more practical note, I don't want to ever compare him to anyone, especially if he doesn't measure up, and oftentimes when you've kissed or otherwise had a physical relationship with more than one person, you unconsciously compare them to each other. That's not fair to either person, especially since one of them automatically has to come up the loser. And I hate to think about him, whoever he is, kissing another woman (let alone going to bed with her!), so he deserves for me to show him the same respect I would want him to show me.

Another reason is that I when I finally meet my husband, I want to be able to offer him a heart that's whole, brand-new, and unused. I don't want to have to tell him that the heart he's been matched up with is second-hand and slightly damaged. I can remember every single guy I've ever had a crush on, from the time I was in kindergarten, including the celebrities I imagined myself in love with in my junior high years. And each of them has a little piece of my heart that I can never get back. In this case, those pieces are so tiny compared to the whole picture that I probably won't notice their absence, but if I were to be involved in a serious relationship with someone, that would take a huge chunk away and I'd never get it all back. That's not fair to my husband, and it's not fair to the guy I'd be dating, either, because all relationships eventually end, either in marriage or a break-up. (Or in the death of one of the two people in it, but that's as painful or more painful as a break-up.) And if I knew he wasn't the one I was meant to marry and I got romantically involved with him anyway, I'd just be leading him on, and that's a pretty cruel way to treat anyone! Plus, here again there's plenty of room for comparisons. ("Well, my husband took me out to dinner for my birthday, but my ex-boyfriend bought me two dozen long-stemmed roses and a gold bracelet." That would be even less fair if your husband made less money than the boyfriend, especially if he was still paying off debts for, say, the wedding, or the house you both live in, or the car you share, or even if he just supports you so that you can be a stay-at-home wife and maybe even has some children to support.)

Here's the bottom line. I don't think dating is wrong. I just think there are right ways and wrong ways to go about it. And I think there are certain times in every person's life when dating is right for you and other times when it's not the best thing for you to be doing at the moment. I'm not saying that I'll never date at any point in the future. I don't expect a white knight in shining armor to drop out of the sky and land in front of me, I know that I have to do my part to find him. But I know how important it is to seek God's guidance in searching for him or waiting until it's time for me to start searching, and right now, it's time to wait. I may never enter into a traditional dating relationship, my philosophy on searching for a future mate is a combination of dating, courtship, and betrothal combined. But I know that however I end up meeting my husband, when it's time for me to know I'll know for certain that he's the one that I'm meant to marry, and I'll know that our relationship has God's blessing. And I wouldn't settle for anything less.

If this page has helped to change your views on dating, that's great! If it's convinced you to give control of your love life to God, whether you're single or not, wonderful! If it's helped you to understand me better, terrific! If it hasn't changed your mind a bit, I hope you'll at least pray that you're conducting your romantic life the way God would want you to. And if you'd like, I'll pray for you, too.